so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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