At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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