i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
A+ Viking dick
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
