I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
