So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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