Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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