She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
