Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
