I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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