remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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