i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
