why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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