so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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