I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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