Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
