I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think my moral compass just broke
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
