I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
