I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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