Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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