I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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