she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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