I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
