He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
