if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
