I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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