just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
