went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
