Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize