The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She bit a glass in half.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
