he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
