ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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