i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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