Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Jerry, you need to find god
the condom got lost in my hair
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
