There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
