Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
