i think my mom watched the whole time
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
