I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize