Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize