There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
