Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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