it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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