The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
