So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
