Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
