tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
