its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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