My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
