i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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