Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
