I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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