Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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