Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You've changed since you got that strap on
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
