omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
