How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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