It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Randomize