saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
