Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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