i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
