Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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