call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
