my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
