im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
