A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
