My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
