I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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