My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
