Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
