my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
