I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize