I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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