Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
