alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize